I found my dog’s diary on the computer this afternoon. Kinda interesting.

Jantober 93, 1527

Hallo! My name is Zoey and I’m 927 years old. Or three. It’s hard to tell – I’m a dog. Time is a monkey invention. I just guess. I have two monkeys and a pet Goldy Treever puppy and there are two Feline Overlords in charge of the place. We used to live in a stinky town, but now we live in the stinky country. There are piggies just over the hill in a big building. I can smell 4,287 of them. I used to go there to visit and eat nummies every once in a while before Papa Monkey thought it would be a good idea to “put a stop to all that nonsense.” Now I don’t go very far any more. It’s okay, I like my yard.

My yard is a nice yard. It’s sixty-three miles long and fourteen inches wide, I’d guess. (What do I know about distances, I’m a doggie.) When I barks at the squirrel by the deck he has six trees to hide in before he gets to the woods. That’s how big my yard is! I can poop in a different spot every day!

Mama Monkey is nice to us, but we can’t nap in her kennel. Papa lets us sleep in his kennel, though. I sleep at the bottom of the bed where I can watch the funny TV better. My Goldy Treever puppy, she sleeps up by Papa Monkey. I laughs because sometimes she sticks her front paws in Papa Monkey’s face when he’s sleeping and he says a bad word.

Marvember 192, 3527 (or whatever)

Today was a good day! My pet Goldy Treever, Buttercup, woke me and Papa Monkey up. We all went outside to do pees except Papa Monkey and Mama Monkey and the Feline Overlords, so I guess it was just just Buttercup and me, but we peed. Then Papa Monkey gived us food and we ate it all. Then we took a nap in our little kennels because Papa Monkey said our feet were wet and we couldn’t go and nap in his big kennel with the TV.

When we woke up we went outside and peed, then Papa gave us more food and we ate it all, then we took a nap. When Mama Monkey came home from “work,” wherever that is, we woke up and gived her hugs, then we went to bed. What a good day!

Stardate 2972.5 (or whatever)

Today Papa Monkey told me and Stinky Buttercup to go outside and play, and he kicked us outside. I peed, then I got bored and so I barked at a tree for ten minutes and Papa let us back in again. I think he was upset – when he opened the door he said very sternly, “Goddam it, unless there’s a Bigfoot on fire running down the lane waving a rocket launcher I want you to shush up, you silly idiot!” Then he patted me on the head and I took a nap.

Quintilis XXVI, MMXIII (or whatever)

I fell asleep in the flower garden today and a flutterbye landed on my nose. It made me crosseyed to look at it, but it had beautiful wings. Then I sneezed and it went away.

Mama quit going to work a long time ago, but she doesn’t play with me or Stinky Buttercup. She just lays in her kennel. She doesn’t even watch her TV or anything. Papa sometimes stands by her door and watches her sleep.

Junuary 37, 1075 (or whatever)

Me and Stinky Buttercup napped for a bit today, then we pretend-fighted for a while, then we napped for a bit, then we barked at a squirrel (he gived us a dirty look). Papa played frisbee with Stinky Buttercup for a while. That’s so stupid – he throws the frisbee then Stinky Buttercup has to run and get it. She keeps bringing it back to Papa, but he just goes off and throws it again, silly monkey. I just watches.

Last Tuesday (or whatever)

Oh happy day! I got to nap with Mama for a bit, then I got to nap with Papa for a bit, and Stinky Buttercup had to stay in her own little kennel. HAHAHAHA! But I missed her and so Mama let her out and then we all hugged on the couch all together and that was nice!

I loves my family! Even the Feline Overlords.